Not-So-Nice Humans
Humans, like gomes, are not always all good or all bad but in this category I will describe humans who don’t seem to be helpful to Finnley, Hadley and their friends. Some of these people are just mean and unpleasant. Others are really REALLY evil. I am putting them roughly in the order that they appear in the story as it unfolds throughout the books.
SEAN AGNEW
If you read Book 1, Blackhope Scar, you will meet this disgruntled and unpleasant English helicopter pilot when Finnley and Hadley make their first visit to Edinburgh Castle. Sean Agnew is lean, mean, and rangy. He wears a bomber jacket, military fatigues, aviator glasses, smokes and drinks too much, and has a perpetual sneer on his face just below his pencil thin mustache. He hates everything about Scotland.
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If you read Book 0, Crabbit House, which takes place a few months before the start of Blackhope Scar, you will learn some other insights about Sean Agnew but those insights don’t make him any more likeable! He has so many chips on his shoulder it is surprising that he can get his helicopter to lift off the ground… Actually, getting his helicopter to lift off the ground becomes a major problem in the final scenes of Blackhope Scar.
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PIETER VAN DER DONK
One of the things you learn as a writer is that it is always better to show your readers something rather than tell them about something. I never really give a clear physical description of Pieter van der Donk. He has a big role to play in Book Zero: Crabbit House, and is one of the first characters we meet in the opening chapter of Book One: Blackhope Scar. He is described as “The Dutchman” and he whines and cowers and complains beside “The Dark Watcher.” We learn that he is a “mommy’s boy” and that he doesn’t like to feel uncomfortable. When Finnley and Hadley see him at the Seattle Center from a distance, he is slouching and shuffling behind Marie-Claire. She is clearly the boss and she treats him with disdain. He shares a hotel room with Marie-Claire. ​​​​​​​​​​​​
In Chapter XIV How to Annoy a French Poodle, in Blackhope Scar, her room is described:
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"There were two beds in the room. Her side was all neat and tidy with clothes folded on the bed and perfume in the air. But his side of the room smelled like the inside of a rugby player’s oxter after a long afternoon sprachling around in a muddy scrum. The man’s a slob. There were socks and towels lying on top of pizza boxes, ketchup stains on the pillows, and a crumpled pile of receipts on his bedside table."
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So we learn that he is a slob, eats junk food, and that he is a coward. He is a reluctant “bad guy.” He has a curious interest in things around him and is hard to dislike entirely. We learn that he wears oversized boxer shorts which Wullie uses as a parachute.
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When we meet him again at Kirkwall House in Edinburgh, in Chapter XXVIII, Den of Snakes, Marie-Claire gives us more background information:
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"Pieter van der Donk was a flabby, whining lump of jelly with no backbone. But his connection to the diamond centers in Amsterdam, Antwerp, and Johannesburg had been a great help in getting their jewelry business going. And it was van der Donk who had discovered the existence of these strange living rock-creatures in a South African diamond mine. They were unpleasant things to deal with but many of them held grudges against humans, and Marie-Claire had used that to her advantage. Besides, they could do some amazing things that humans couldn’t. On balance van der Donk had proved to be useful, and he was easy to dominate to her advantage."
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I hope that by showing you how Pieter acts, what he says, what he likes to eat, and how other people describe him that you can make the rest up in your mind so that you have your own picture of what he is like. He is a rather hapless crook. I find it hard to really dislike him entirely.​​​​​​​​​​​​​
MARIE-CLAIRE BLANCMANGE
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I have nothing against France. Honestly, I don’t. I’ve got some friends who are French, and they’re very nice. But Marie-Claire Blancmange is NOT nice. She is one of the villains in the first of the Wullie-The-Mahaar-Gome stories, Blackhope Scar. You can get to know her and dislike her even more if you read the prequel, Book 0, Crabbit House. In Blackhope Scar, she first appears in chapter IX French Perfume Smells Fishy, when she storms past Finn’s dad into their house, like a domineering, arrogant, lavender-smelling snob! I’m not sure why she thinks she is so superior. Maybe she is trying to cover up the fact that her last name means “tasteless bland milk pudding.” I am not kidding; Blancmange (pronounced Blah-mawnj) means “something white to eat,” or something like that. I remember my mom making it when I was a wee boy in Scotland. It was like custard except that it was white and tasteless. If you left it sitting in the bowl long enough it formed a skin on the top that made it even more disgusting. Maybe I am just not sophisticated enough to enjoy French food.
But let’s get back to Marie-Claire. She barged into Finn’s house looking like a deranged black and white cartoon character. She is tall, thin, and looks down on the world with haughty disdain. Her face is covered in deathly pale makeup with purple eye shadow and thick black face paint to accentuate her towering eyebrows. Her hair is jet black, cut short and straight, and plastered close to her skull in a severe style. She wears a long, black leather coat and black high-heeled boots. Her wrists jangle with jewelry and she reeks of lavender perfume. Altogether, she is a striking figure.
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What is it with French women and their ridiculous hairdos? They are not exactly practical. Here is a poster of a hairstyle I saw in France outside a fancy women’s hair salon.
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I noticed that there were no women inside getting their hair cut, mind you. No wonder! Who, in their right mind, would want to look like this poor woman? It looks as though the hairdresser made a total botch of it, and so, to cover up the mistakes, placed a dead squirrel on top of the woman’s head! And could somebody please give the poor woman some Duct Tape to fix her blouse? It seems to be falling off her. The collar is almost completely detached. She’ll catch her death of cold.
Above is another fancy hairdo. I saw this one in Paris, which I am sure you know is the most sophisticated, chic, and fashionable place in the universe. For just a few hundred dollars you, too, can look like this charming woman!
She looks so thin I wonder if she ever eats anything. Maybe she is just not tempted by the delights of sophisticated French cooking. Here is a sample of what was on offer in a market near Lourmarin, in the South of France. Mmmmmmm… tasty!
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Two different variety of snails. The ones in the middle are more expensive because they are “extra slimy.” The word “Maison” is the French word for “House” so maybe these are the house snails, to be washed down with a glass of the house wine, perhaps. Just outside the market there was a big church with statues and gargoyles everywhere. I saw these fine specimens looking down from far above. It looks to me as though they’ve eaten one too many of the house snails.
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In the village square there was a water fountain where the water came out of elegant carved stone spickets that looked as though they were vomiting up green moss. It didn’t exactly give me an appetite. But maybe I am just not sophisticated enough to appreciate French food.
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The most delicious thing to eat in France (if you have any room left after eating a few big helpings of snails and frog’s legs) is pate de foie gras (pronounced Patty duh fwuh graaaah, if you want to sound REALLY sophisticated). This is basically mashed up goose liver with garlic and other mysterious ingredients added so that they can charge you a fortune for it, as far as I can tell. It is so delicious and sophisticated that even the French geese look snooty and disdainful.
I suppose I must just be an uncouth Scotsman. I just can’t see why I should be so impressed. But Marie-Claire Blancmange hates people like me with a passion. As you will see, she hates anyone who isn’t French. She especially hates crass, loud Americans but she loathes the vulgar Scots even more.
As you will find out in Chapter XXVIII, Den of Snakes, in Blackhope Scar Marie-Claire has particular reasons to hate Scotland. She hates it so much that she plans to destroy it completely. It will be up to two American teenagers and one scruffy, rude, bad-tempered little gome to try and stop her…
THE POPULAR GIRLS
Human beings are social creatures. We like to feel we belong to something bigger than ourselves. We like to be part of a family or some other group that will protect us and support us either physically or emotionally. And for some people the most important thing is to belong to an elite group that excludes other people. Only if you are “very special” will you be allowed to be part of this particular exclusive club or clique or fraternity or sorority or some such thing. And for some of these “clubs” or cliques it seems like the most important reason to become part of it is so that you can look down on those who have not gained admission to this exclusive group.
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Most schools (whether elementary, middle, high school, college or beyond) have clubs and cliques, both official and unofficial, where the members share common interests. And in school like Magnolia Academy of Arts and Science (MAAS) where Finnley and Hadley attend, the most coveted group to belong to is the “Popular Set.” My wife remembers one of our sons coming home from elementary school one evening looking unhappy and puzzled. When she asked him why he was sad he said that one of the other boys in his class had teased and taunted him by saying, “I am really popular, you know!” The implication was that our son was not popular and so this other boy had elevated status over him. Luckily our son is a thoughtful person. He wrinkled his brow and said, “Nathan says he’s popular but I’m not sure if he is or not.” This fueled a conversation about what it actually meant to be “popular” at school. All of our kids quickly figured out that most of the “popular set” were actually mean and unkind and spent most of their time trying to put other kids down.
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In Blackhope Scar, Hadley gets teased relentlessly by the “Popular Girls” because Hadley thinks for herself, has lots of interests, is open-minded and kind to strangers and does not spend her time trying to impress others. To make matters even worse Hadley’s mother tells Hadley that she wishes she was more like Tiffany Kistlebutt, the leader of the “Popular Girls.” Here is the first exchange that Hadley has with them:
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Their leader was Tiffany Kistlebutt, a petite, skinny, blond-haired girl with an upturned nose. Some people might say she was cute if you happened to like the sneering, pouty, anoretic look.
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“Hey Hadley, isn’t that the same sweater you had on yesterday AND the day before? Don’t you own any new ones? Or maybe your mom doesn’t have time to wash your clothes. She’s too busy taking tennis lessons from Loo-eee-gee!”
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The other girls giggled enthusiastically at Tiffany’s hilarious remarks. Hadley kept walking.
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“Or maybe you can’t find anything cute to wear in amongst all your… secret, exciting spy gadgets.”
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Tiffany’s followers erupted in laughter. There was just no end to their leader’s dazzling wit. Hadley kept her head down and brushed past them on her way up the steps.
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Tiffany raised her voice. “Actually girls I was wrong. Hadley HAS changed her outfit today. It’s not exactly the same sweater she had on yesterday. Today she has managed to get dirt and mud all over the sleeves. Isn’t THAT a cute touch?”
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Hadley and Finn stumbled through the doors to escape the scornful squeals of laughter from the popular crowd.
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“How does she know about Luigi?” Finn asked.
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Hadley shrugged. “My mom and Tiffany’s mom are so-called friends. In fact my mom is always telling me that I should be more like Tiffany Kistlebutt. Nice, huh?”
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The MAAS “Popular Girls” feature in several of the Wullie stories. I highlight two of them, Tiffany Kistlebutt and Amanda Teaserville, and describe them in some superficial ways. They are both pretty, rich and snobbish. They always wear the latest fashion and look down on anyone who can’t afford to keep up with their latest “look.” I hope that my readers can relate to being on the receiving end of this kind of behavior and can shrug it off for the shallow and trivial statement it makes about those people. Those “popular” kids never seem truly happy. Instead of feeling jealous or envious of them we should feel sorry for them.
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SCHOOL BULLIES
Many schools have clubs and cliques. Some of these are innocuous, but others are mean and unpleasant. Being part of the “Popular Set” is coveted by some people because unless you are part of this clique then you may be bullied by them. Cliques of “Popular Girls” and “Popular Boys” are often mean to those outside of the group. They try to hurt other people by what they say in person, behind their backs, and on-line. And sometimes they try to intimidate and hurt other people physically.
In Blackhope Scar we meet Alex Drivelson, one of the MAAS school bullies:
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“Alex Drivelson was a walking meatloaf of adolescent misery: flabby, slouching, spotty and unwashed with greasy pock-marked skin. A cigarette dangled from his sneering lip.
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“Were you spying on me, McDougall? You had better not have been spying on me.”
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He tossed his cigarette into the toilet and pushed Finn against the wall. Drivelson was a good foot taller than Finn. As he towered over Finn and breathed his sour smoky breath Finn could see the bits of pizza and bacon fat he had for breakfast stuck in his fancy orthodontic metalwork. Drivelson grabbed the rock out of Finn’s hand.
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“What’s with this you little retard? Was little Finnley speaking to his pet rock while he gave it a bath? Come here, let me see what else you’ve got in your backpack. Anything decent to eat?”
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Drivelson and his gang taunt and tease other kids, steal their lunch money and try to feel big and important by putting other people down. Luckily Finn has Wullie on his side. It is just too delicious seeing Alex Drivelson get a taste of his own medicine in Latin class!
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School bullies feature in several of the Wullie stories. Even when one of them leaves (like when Alex Drivelson’s family move back to California) there is always one or more new goons to step in and take their place. In Twilight Cave we meet George Grunterson and Buddy Porkman. They try to get the best of Finnley but he soon gets involved with stuff that is wa-a-ay scarier than school bullies. By the time Finn is in Ninth Grade at MAAS (during Book 4, Shadow Canyon) Finn is a lot tougher than the bullies and so they leave him alone. Instead they try to destroy his stuff.
One of the nicest things about being a writer is that I get to decide what happens to all the characters. I don’t like to see bullies win in the end…